When someone we love dies, our whole lives change forever. We are never the same and the world is never the same. We try to be comforted by the promise of the resurrection and the promise of God's love for us. But it is difficult and different for everyone.

The holiday season can magnify our feelings of loss, sadness and grief. And while we try, we can never go back to the way the holidays were before the loss of our loved one. Here are some practical tips for dealing with the holidays from bereavement and loss resources.

For me, creating ritual early in the season for those I long to hold close was what helped me the most. I have an amazing collection of boy angels, set out with love early each year in memory of my son. I hang special ornaments on the tree in memory of my parents and grand parents, and I keep a candle lit throughout the season in memory of my husband. My prayer for all is that you find a way to treasure your memories and find a sense of God's hope and peace in the miracle of God's son coming to earth...

Tips for Handling the Holidays

1.     Decide what you can handle comfortably and let family and friends know.  Can I handle the responsibility of the family dinner, etc. or shall I ask someone else to do it?  Do I want to talk about my loved one or not?  Shall I stay here for the holidays or go to a completely different environment?

2.    Make some changes if they feel comfortable for you.  Open presents Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning.  Have dinner at a different time or place.  Let the children take over decorating the house, the tree, baking and food preparation, etc.

 

3.    Re-examine your priorities:  Greeting card, holiday baking, decorating, putting up a tree, family dinner, etc.  Do I really enjoy doing this?  Is this a task that can be shared?

 

4.    Consider doing something special for someone else.  Donate a gift in the memory of your loved one.  Donate money you would have spent on your loved one as a gift to charity.  Adopt a needy family for the holidays.  Invite a guest (foreign student, senior citizen) to share festivities.

 

5.    Recognize your loved one’s presence in the family.  Burn a special candle to quietly include your loved one.  Hang a stocking for your loved one in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings.  Listen to music especially liked by the deceased.  Look at photographs.

 

6.    If you decide to do holiday shopping, make a list ahead of time and keep it handy for a good day, or shop through a catalogue or online.

 

7.    Observe the holidays in ways which are comfortable for you.  There is no right or wrong way of handling holidays.  Once you’ve decided how to observe the time, let others know.

 

8.    Try to get enough rest – holidays can be emotionally and physically draining.

 

9.    Allow yourself to express your feeling.  Holidays often magnify feelings of loss.  It is natural to feel sadness.  Share concerns, apprehensions, feelings with a friend.  The need for support is often greater during holidays.

 

10. Keep in mind that the experience of many bereaved persons is that they do come to enjoy holidays again.  There will be other holiday seasons to celebrate.

 

11.  Don’t be afraid to have fun.  Laughter and joy are not disrespectful.  Give yourself and your family member’s permission to celebrate and take pleasure in the holidays.

 

Esther, Parish Nurse